I am stuck. There are no other words for it. I am utterly and completely stuck inside my own head.
I am lonely and, arguably, throwing my life away. It takes time to accomplish one’s dreams, I know that, but I also know that if you want to make it, you have to seize that time. And I am not seizing shit.
I know I can become a lawyer, but I don’t think I want to. I know I want to become a filmmaker, but I don’t think I can.
So instead of following one path or the other, I stopped in the middle. I sat there at the crossroads having an existencial crisis and waiting for someone to pull me one way or the other.
I am well aware that that someone has to be me, of course, but at the time, I am too scared to move.
I have nothing on either side, but I have nothing here either. The only difference between staying or moving is that, if I move, I will build something. I just have no clue what will that be, and honestly, from here it looks like both sides are doomed to failure.
So what is there to do when you are terrified of moving along? Nothing. You do nothing and you feel nothing but shallow.
I can’t wait for the wind to push me to my happy destiny, because that will never happen. I have to reach for what I want and for once stop pretending I’m trying to grab it.
It is going to be the scariest thing in my life, but I genuinely believe that there is always a plan B. It is not going to be comfortable, and it will hurt, but so does now.
I keep giving myself little pep talks like this one and getting hopeful when in the end, it always seems like I end up hitting a wall.
I am divided and I can feel It coming back. Still, I do nothing to push It away. I subconciously encourage It, it seems.
It won’t ruin my life againn. That is the only thing I’m sure of right now. So wish me luck.